I never realized it, but I have been self-harming since I was at least six years old, maybe even younger. At five-seven years old, of course I had never heard of cutting. What I used to do was take something sharp, like a pencil, tweezer or my own nails, and drag them across my skin, usually my thighs. I would never break the skin or leave any lasting marks. I would just make white lines that would sometimes turn pink, but fade away. I’d draw words into my flesh. I remember being interested at how the lines hurt a little…I was somewhat fascinated with the pain and the lines. Little rivers of white and pink.
Once, my mother caught me doing it and, with a little urgency and surprise, told me to stop. I asked why because I was genuinely curious. I really did not know why it was bad. My mother only told me that it wasn’t good and because I was causing myself pain. I remember her walking off and I put the pencil away, thinking that maybe it was because I shouldn’t be drawing on my bare skin with pencil, and I thought that a little bit of pain wasn’t a big deal.
I did this for years.
In a little over a month it will be a year since I have started self-harming in a way that satisfies the urge to punish myself, to bring the pain that I deserve. It is nearly the anniversary of the day when I became consciously aware of myself breaking open my skin and being afraid of anyone discovering my scars. Of course, the urge, the need, the want to cut had always started months before May 26, 2011. It was only until that Thursday night that I gave in.
Sometimes I still take a sharp point and lightly draw lines or words across my skin, wondering why I did that. I’ve been doing this for years…and it’s mind-boggling to me because I was never aware of it. Even when I found out about what self-harm and cutting was, I did not make the connection that I was even doing it. I don’t know why I even started when I was a little girl. Was it always wired in my brain that I would hurt myself like this?
• 21 April 2012
Depression is like being underwater. Most of the time I’m paralyzed. It’s cold and I can’t feel anything. I’m numb, but it’s not comfortable. It’s not being able to breathe properly, like I’m suffocating, so I have to cut to let the pain out.
I am dependent on external sources, and it’s not a good thing. I am dependent on something to help me get to the surface because I can’t swim there myself. That external source is like a giant hand that reaches in to grab hold of me. It lifts me out and I can feel again. It’s shocking – from water to air…it’s not always a pleasant feeling. I’m dependent on things like new events and activities from groups or people, like if there’s a new book or movie coming out. I can’t make myself happy; I have to depend on something else to lift me up to the surface.
My mother has always told me that emotions are contagious and that I can’t depend on anyone or anything else to make me happy. I control how I feel and I have to take charge. The problem is that I can’t control it. I can’t force myself to swim when I’m paralyzed. It doesn’t work that way.
Right now the giant hand has lifted me out of the water, but I’ve been under for so long that I’m afraid of feeling things. I want to go back, back under the blanket that I have a love-hate relationship with.
• 16 April 2012
Going for a 2-4 mile run. My feet haven’t healed yet so I’ll just run for as long as I can. I’m still eleven miles ahead of schedule, but that’s okay! (I’ve run 117 miles this year so far, and today is supposed to be the 106th mile, as it’s the 106th day.)
And I also ate a lot… weekends are always really bad.
• 15 April 2012
Two of my biggest obstacles: snacking and eating when I’m home alone for even a few seconds
I was doing really well intake-wise until I got home. I allowed myself 50-100 calories worth of food, which was reasonable because I knew that I needed to eat something if I wanted to exercise properly. But then my mom left to pick up my sister, and I ate about 200 more calories.
380 calories worth of snacking…out of 633 so far. There’s still dinner. Ugh.
I’m going to get dressed and run for at least two miles. Hopefully my feet won’t hurt me too much.
• 13 April 2012
My friends were talking about how they rarely eat breakfast or eat very little in the morning while we were sitting down for lunch. It just triggered me so badly that I dug through my pencil case for something sharp and just got up and left. I went to the bathroom and cut, came back and was sullen and moody for the rest of the lunch hour. I didn’t look anybody in the eye.
I must have been annoying. I know that I sometimes find it kind of irritating when a person who is obviously not okay refuses to say anything. But I’m one of those people and I can’t force myself to stop being this numb.
• 12 April 2012
Is it just me, or do you hate it when people ask you how much you exercised/ran, or how much you eat?
I run up to three laps around the neighbourhood, but usually if it’s more than two I’ll run a different route because it gets so tediously boring and tempting to just go home. I hate it when my parents ask me how many rounds I’ve done. Honestly, haven’t they learned by now that I don’t always do laps? Shouldn’t they be asking how many miles or kilometres instead? And I hate their response to my answer. It’s like they’re always judging me.
I hate eating in front of people. I hate walking past people because I seriously think that they are judging me. Suddenly everyone can see my every flaw.
• 12 April 2012
Did some deep breathing today
Running makes me tired in the sense where I can’t get enough air or water.
So I breathed deeply.
It’s just that deep breathing makes me really sad and depressed because I hate the fact that I DO breathe. I want to stop. I want to stop breathing forever.
• 8 April 2012
I probably ate about half of what everyone else ate, and I still came in with a total of 658… I’m going to run for at least an hour later, so that should burn most of it (540)
- 1/2 apple (47)
- 1/2 banana (53)
- 3 pancakes (they were small) (350)
- 1 biscotti (90)
- black coffee (3)
- EDIT: (i forgot this) 1 lemon bar (116)
Now I’m going to plan the route that I’m going to run to ensure at least six miles.
• 8 April 2012
plans for tomorrow
- martial arts practice
- run 1-3 miles…maybe I should take an easy day because I don’t want to hurt my knee too much (must remember to run in zig zags when I go downhill)
- go to relatives’ for dinner and try not to eat too much
• 6 April 2012
I’m tired. I want to cut. I’m physically, mentally, and emotionally tired.
Need to, have to, want to cut.
• 6 April 2012
I came home from martial arts practice at 9:45PM and ate a small sweet potato (112) and my third biscotti for the day (another 90). That brings my total to around 1200-1300. Not happy.
Aunt and uncle came from the next province. My aunt brought out the bathroom scale to the kitchen because she thought she had gained weight. This is a tiny woman who is less than five feet tall, and now at apparently 94 pounds. Everyone started weighing themselves.
Went for my shower. Cut.
Came outside and my parents and aunt were on FaceTime with an uncle from halfway around the globe. I said hi, and he said, “Hey, you look bigger!” I automatically replied with a dull, “I know.”
As I walked away I heard my aunt uselessly try to defend me (after she’d laughed and repeated my words mockingly). “Well, she does martial arts.”
I may need to shower again. I wonder if I smell like blood.
The pain is starting to sink in. Good. I deserve every stab of pain.
• 5 April 2012
4.4.23. intake and exercise
- 1 apple (95)
- 1 biscotti (90) [it baffles me how the biscotti has less calories than the apple)
8:15AM: 2 mile run (~140)
- Celery, tomato, bell pepper, onion, fish
- 1/8 apple strudel (24)
- 2 biscotti (180)
- 1 cup grapes (104)
4:22-5:50PM 3 mile run (~270)
- 1c. rice (218)
- 2c. Chinese kale (38)
Total: 1158 (let’s round it up to 1200-1300…just in case).
Minus ~410…net is ~800.
Why do I feel so sad and huge?
• 4 April 2012
I ran two miles this morning, and I’m about to get dressed and do another three. When I finish my third mile I’ll have had run a collective 101 miles / 162.5 km since January 1, 2012!
Yay for three digits in running miles.
• 4 April 2012
300 calories this morning. ugh. i can’t convince myself that I need the energy.
- 1 apple (95)
- 20 grapes (60)
- 1 1/3 c. soy milk (130)
Why did I drink that soy milk?
Why didn’t I pour it down the toilet?
• 3 April 2012