I am so triggered right now.
I know that I need to go to bed, otherwise I think I will seriously hurt myself.
Towards what? What am I progressing towards?
I am going to go for a run instead of cutting.
Or maybe I’ll just run and then cut.
I don’t like how this day is going. I am grotesquely monstrous and disgusting. I’ve been resisting the temptation to cut lately, but for WHAT? I still feel like crap. I guess what I’ve been allowing myself is “controlled cutting”, where I tell myself how many times I’m allowed to do it. It doesn’t always work, but it frustrates me further that by fighting the urge and not cutting, I feel WORSE.
This cut keeps bleeding, stopping, bleeding, stopping.
I am starting to become scared of myself.
It terrifies me when I cut and I literally do not feel anything.
I think I’ve sunk to a new low.
I don’t think I’ll be running today… I didn’t run yesterday, either. That means I’ll have to run at least three miles tomorrow. I don’t mind, but I just feel like crap because I didn’t exercise. I think I’ll try to do some pilates or yoga in the basement. It’ll be my first time seriously focusing on it, since I usually do a little as a warm-up or cool-down after a run. I know that I should do more strength-training, so I’ll use today as the first day.
I feel bad for not running. SORRY.