It was that “When I’m depressed I cut myself…a piece of cake” meme.
Well, good for you that you don’t actually cut yourself, but it’s offensive to me because I actually self-harm. I feel like that picture is poking fun at people who are dependent on the pain, who are possibly addicted to self-destruction. It is not something to brush off as a light matter.
Now I am really upset.
I want to cut. There’s half an hour until midnight, and then I will have kept my promise.
But oh god I want to cut so badly.
To hell with not cutting ever again, I can’t do that. I need this. I need to cut.
NO. I HAVE TO STOP. THIS IS UNHEALTHY.
I clawed at my arm so hard that I bruised it.
I said that I would not cut for today and tomorrow. Didn’t say any other form of self-harm.
I know that it’s bad, okay. I just had to do it. Sorry.
I want to stop cutting.
I’m a super defensive driver, especially when I see people standing on the side of the curb. I get really paranoid and anxious that they will jump out in front of my car. My dad said that that’s a silly thing to think, that nobody’s going to do that.
But I think that because I would probably jump out in front of a car.
Agh. I hate driving.
I eat less, I move more. Why am I still fatter than all of my uber skinny friends?
Has it been two days? Three days? Four? I’ve lost count, and this worries me. Should I be proud? Why is it that there is a voice in my head that whispers for me to rip open my skin? Stop the chain. Break it with a few slashes, just a scratch here, until it grows so that I’ve bled myself dry.
What’s wrong with my twisted thoughts? I shouldn’t want to cut.
But I do.
Oh, so very much.
I ate a lot of bread yesterday (and last night), and this morning I had bread (120) and two kiwis (93) and I’m still hungry.
It seems logical to eat, right? But I’m terrified of eating too much. I don’t even know what to eat.
This shouldn’t be that complicated.
I’m really hungry.
| me: | I should go running. |
| me: | I don't want to run. |
| me: | But I do want to run. |
| me: | It's too hot outside. |
| me: | I need to exercise though. |
| me: | I have so much to do. |
| me: | I can just run tomorrow morning. |
| me: | I need a rest day anyway. |
| *looks in the mirror* | |
| me: | Time to go running!! |
