things are not going well
I need to cut.
But I can’t.
Help me.
Want to need to have to cut.
I hate how numbers makes the world go round
Money - numbers.
Calories - numbers.
“What place did you get?” (We were racing today). NUMBERS.
“How many degrees does your daughter have?” Because that totally determines intelligence. Numbers.
I’ve eaten so much. I can’t cut though… I’m competing tomorrow and aghhh…
Breakfast
- medium pear
- small piece of bread
Lunch
- orange
- 2 small wedges of bread
- chopped pepper, chicken, onion, and carrot slices
Snack
- Slurpee
- small piece of bread
- watermelon
- chocolate
I did a lot of walking, but it doesn’t balance it out. I’m going to run after dinner though.
Is it disgusting that the first thing I want to do when I wake up is cut? Is it monstrous that I want to cut all the time, even when I’m actually feeling slightly happy?
I want my blades.
fucking triggered right now.
I can’t cut. I can do this. I am going to take a shower.
I am going to walk away. Stop listening. I am not going to cut.
Not. Not. Not. Not.
I.
Am.
Not.
Going.
To.
Cut.
I can do this.
I can do this. I can get through this day without cutting. The past two days were not good, but I want to say that there was an improvement in my attitude and mood. I can’t force myself to be happy. There’s no way I can force myself from being underwater, but I can teach myself to swim, and I can slowly un-paralyze myself.
The urge to cut is stronger when I’m trying not to give in.
Thank goodness it’s the Butterfly Project, not the Peacock project, otherwise I’d happily kill them all.
No, correction. I wouldn’t want to kill peacocks - that’d be terrible. I just wouldn’t feel as bad because as beautiful as these birds are, they bring back a horrible memory to me.
I like chopping vegetables because I get to hold a knife. And it also calms me down.
Obviously it’s not the perfect substitute for cutting myself, but at least I know that if I’m cutting vegetables I will not bring the same knife to my skin (well, I think it depends on how desperate I am, but I haven’t gotten to that point in that situation yet).
It is only pain, and what is so bad about that if I am only hurting myself?
