I’m a super defensive driver, especially when I see people standing on the side of the curb. I get really paranoid and anxious that they will jump out in front of my car. My dad said that that’s a silly thing to think, that nobody’s going to do that.
But I think that because I would probably jump out in front of a car.
Agh. I hate driving.
I eat less, I move more. Why am I still fatter than all of my uber skinny friends?
Has it been two days? Three days? Four? I’ve lost count, and this worries me. Should I be proud? Why is it that there is a voice in my head that whispers for me to rip open my skin? Stop the chain. Break it with a few slashes, just a scratch here, until it grows so that I’ve bled myself dry.
What’s wrong with my twisted thoughts? I shouldn’t want to cut.
But I do.
Oh, so very much.
I ate a lot of bread yesterday (and last night), and this morning I had bread (120) and two kiwis (93) and I’m still hungry.
It seems logical to eat, right? But I’m terrified of eating too much. I don’t even know what to eat.
This shouldn’t be that complicated.
I’m really hungry.
| me: | I should go running. |
| me: | I don't want to run. |
| me: | But I do want to run. |
| me: | It's too hot outside. |
| me: | I need to exercise though. |
| me: | I have so much to do. |
| me: | I can just run tomorrow morning. |
| me: | I need a rest day anyway. |
| *looks in the mirror* | |
| me: | Time to go running!! |
I am so triggered right now.
I know that I need to go to bed, otherwise I think I will seriously hurt myself.
(Source: homelesshippiepeaceactivist, via justalittlelosst)
Towards what? What am I progressing towards?
I am going to go for a run instead of cutting.
Or maybe I’ll just run and then cut.
I don’t like how this day is going. I am grotesquely monstrous and disgusting. I’ve been resisting the temptation to cut lately, but for WHAT? I still feel like crap. I guess what I’ve been allowing myself is “controlled cutting”, where I tell myself how many times I’m allowed to do it. It doesn’t always work, but it frustrates me further that by fighting the urge and not cutting, I feel WORSE.
