I have such bad anxiety right now. All I want to do is cut.
curling up in bed in hopes that maybe I can read my book.
Shaking my glitter jar all night because I must stay away from my blades.
Please be okay.
You don’t understand. I’m like the Hulk. He’s always angry, I always want to cut. I’m in a good mood right now. I’m not happy, but I’m in a good mood. I shouldn’t have a reason to cut, but I want to cut. I just want to slash open my skin.
This is strange. What am I supposed to be doing instead of cutting?
I might put this blog under a password for a little while.
I just did some deep breathing because I was starting to think hysterically. I can’t cry and I am not allowing myself to cut.
Deep breaths. Calmed myself down somehow. I’m going to be okay.
I feel like there’s no one to turn to except my blades.
It’s not a good night. I want to curl up and die. I want to cut. That’s what I want to do. I want to make a mess of my skin. Swirl around my blood until my hands are sticky and I reek of rust and salt.
I’m afraid of going to sleep because I’m afraid that I will talk and I won’t know what I am saying.
I do not like the concept of recovering from self-harm. It just makes me MISS it so much. I have this nagging thought/voice in my head going, “Just wait, just wait for the relapse, and don’t bother trying to stop.”
I understand now. I understand when you say that the voice is loud. It’s so loud. So very, very loud.
I have this stupid idea of just cutting now and starting clean on July 1st. I know that isn’t right, but I miss cutting even though it hasn’t been twenty-four hours yet.
I AM GOING TO STOP SELF-HARMING
Yes, I said it. I’m going to do it. Today’s the last day. June 29th. I expect relapses, but nonetheless, today is the last day. I’ve been talking about stopping for a long time, but I realize that I really need to give myself that actual push to put myself into that mindset.
I don’t know how I pushed myself, but I did it (I think). I hope I don’t change my mind in the next hour.
I even told a friend that I had something to tell her. July 21st. I am going to tell her.
Damn it. Is this a good idea? What if I’m not ready? What if she overreacts?
I know that none of you care, but I don’t know what to do. What if I’m not ready? Can’t I just continue down this self-destructive road? It’s my secret. Mine.
No. I need to reach my full potential without this stupid road block.
What have I done?
No, this is a good thing. Opening up and reaching for support (not help) is good. It’s a step forward. I always take one step forward by deciding to stop and thinking positive, but I take two steps back. Opening up will be another step forward. I can do this.
What have I done?
